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GOOGLE AND CHINA IN BATTLE TO ENSLAVE YOU [Daily Mash]
THE last great battle of our time was underway last night as Google and China began fighting for control of every living thing on the face of the Earth.
A fragile truce between the world's two biggest powers collapsed as Google accused China of reneging on a deal which would see the search giant control North and South America and those parts of Africa where people can afford netbooks.
Google said China was planning to use Great Britain as a launch pad for a transatlantic invasion instead of simply turning the country into a gigantic pork farm and round-the-clock abattoir.
China is now mobilising the four million troops of the People's Liberation Army, while Google is understood to be upgrading YouTube to allow for faster streaming of those strangely hypnotic, homemade pop videos.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's very evenly balanced. China has millions and millions and millions of people, whereas Google has things like Chrome, Street View and access to every piece of personal information that has ever existed despite what they keep saying in their relaxed, open-necked shirt, hacky sack-playing manner."